Go Now, Or You Never Will
by fc2001
Summary: Here we go again, I know it's a relatively weak fic, but I go to thinking how would it have gone if Lucy hadn't died but just left Chicago..anyway...
1. Default Chapter

I got to thinking - what if Lucy hadn't died? Where would it have gone? So, here's my best shot at it. It ain't my best fic, it is slightly cliched, slightly cheesy but it's just a filler till I get inspiration as how to continue "Away Too Long" and "In The Middle Of Nowhere"  
I own nothing and noone.   
  
"I got a letter this morning,"  
The blonde was still hopelessly over keen and far too bright to be real at 9:00 in the morning. It took his mind a while to adjust.   
"Don't you want to know who it's from?"  
She chirped brightly. He sighed and turned to her, looking and feeling very weary indeed.  
"I got a place in a psych department in San Fran,"  
"Oh,"  
He blinked a couple of times, as if trying to wake up.  
"Don't sound too excited then,"  
"It's great news, Lucy, really,"  
She looked suitably delighted, missing the slightly lost tone in his voice. She had every right to look delighted after what she'd been through in the last 6 months. She deserved happiness. God knows, by rights she shouldn't even be alive let alone irritating the hell out of him. She had a knack of irking him and always first thing in the morning too,. But he didn't mind it so much not because he knew how easily things could have gone the other way for them on Valentines Night 2000. He knew how easily she could be dead and he knew exactly how unbearable and empty his life would be without her in it. So he put up with her flaws because he was well aware of their possible brevity. Coming face to face with mortality had hit them both hard. She didn't seem to have changed greatly, which he admired. She didn't know what she meant to him. She'd only get the wrong idea about it.   
*****  
"Can I talk to you?"  
"Always,"  
She shoved him into an empty side room abruptly and turned, face stern, to stare at him.  
"What is wrong with you? Can't you at least pretend to be happy for me?"  
"I am happy for you. You deserve it,"  
"Deserve it? I earned this,"  
Her brow was etched with painful memories of just how tough this had been on her. The toll on her mind and body muct have been greater than he supposed he'd ever realised.  
"You did. Lucy, you go, do well. God knows, you'll be a better doctor than I ever will,"  
"You don't want me to go do you?"  
"It's not about me, Luce, not anymore,"  
Something deep in her eyes told him she needed his approval, for some reason this was at least partially about him.  
"Fine, be like that,"  
She sounded halfway to childish.  
"You don't need my approval. I'm not your keeper,"  
He tried to stay calm, stay distant, stay professional. It was increasingly difficult to do, considering all they'd suffered together, all they knew of each other. He had a startling, vivid mental image of her, lost and slone, bloody and frightened looking more like a little girl than ever. That was not how she was now but that would be his memory of her. If she left, that would be the picture that would haunt him and he couldn't bear the thought of that.  
"You don't care...?"  
"I care, Luce, and I want you do do what's best for you,"  
She didn't look like she understood why he was pushing her away, keeping his distance. He knew he held too much influence already. and would feel guily if she made a wrong move because of him. Her innocence was beguiling but false for she knew more of life than he had at her age. She knew the pain of nearly losing it, she knew how brief it could be. She'd been forced into that realisation far too young. Lucy had come to Chicago believing she could take on the world. She'd leave it realising she couldn't, aware of her limits, a battered but he hoped not a broken spirit.   
****  
She was similarly excited by job offers from a plethora of other hospitals, including County. It was charming to watch her at such an important time in her life, all bright smiles and beautiful, blue eyes. But her decision was all but made. As her time in County drew to a close, she got more and more excited. On the surface she was a child again. He could see uncertainty pulling at her from somewhere inside though. Going would be best fro her. Thinking of his life without her in it was hell. But it was his life and outside of her concern. They even went as far as organising her a leaving party. He knew she'd rather slip off into the night, didn't like the fuss or he assumed the memories. She played along with it, hugged, kissed and danced the night away. She looked radiantly happy. Truly happy. Good for her, he thought almost bitterly.  
"Come on, you old fuddy-duffy, dance,"  
Her sweet, slightly mocking tone rang in his ear as she grabbed his wrist. He was pulled onto the dancefloor, surrounded by laughter and happiness but at the same time lost in his own little world.  
"You know, they're right when they say men can't dance,"  
She whispered in his ear, her eyes travelling around the room almost disgustedly. He didn't look at her, couldn't bear to. Her long, blonde hair brushed the side of his neck as she leant up. He controlled the tremor it caused, trying to pull himself together. More than anything, it was these moments he knew he'd miss when she boarded the train tomorrow morning that took her out of his life. Realising she would be expecting a response, he replied.  
"On behalf of my gender, I sincerely apologise,"  
"On behalf of my gender, your apology is accepted,"  
He smiled, she laughed and silence fell between pupil and teacher again. The silence lasted as long as the song. He drifted awat in his thoughts as long as he could, savouring these last few precious moments with her. She looked at her watch suddenly.  
"I'd better go,"  
"What times the train?"  
"7:15,"  
It was gone 1am.  
"You want a lift home?"  
"You sure?"  
It would be the last useful thing he could do for her. Yes, he was sure.  
"Get your coat woman!"  
She linked arms with him as they walked to his car. She was a true friend to him, that he couldn't deny, and one of the most selfless people he'd ever met. Nothing was about her own gain, when in fact she had every right in the world  
to be a little selfish sometimes.   
"You O.K?"  
She startled him out of his reverie.  
"Yeah, fine,"  
"You looked about a million miles away,"  
"I was,"  
He smiled a little nostalgically.  
"You are really O.K with me leaving aren't you?"  
Her concern was touching if unecessary.  
"Yes. Course I am. It ain't another planet or anything,"  
"True. It's just..I could still stay,"  
"Why? Don't do this for me, Luce, i couldn't live with myself,"  
"I will miss you,"  
And I you, my first success as a tutor. It hadn't been easy on either of them. But they got through it.  
"Go, Lucy, you're packed, there's no future for you here,"  
"But you...."  
"I'll live. I'll miss you sure but heh that's what phones are for right?"  
"Right,"  
She agreed still uncertain. He turned her to face him, gazing into and holding her sea-blue eyes.  
"Lucy. Go now, or you never will,"  
He knew it was true. She shouldn't let the past trap her, it would destroy her. Just because he was caged and broken by events, by the city of his birth, didn't mean she had to suffer the same fate. She could be free.  
  
Cheesy huh? Sorry, had to write something, it just came out a bit mixed up that's all.   
  



	2. 5 Years Later An Epilogue, And A Happy ...

Author's Notes: This story is set approximately 5 years after the end of "Go Now, Or You Never Will". I was reading old reviews, and saw that a couple of them for this story suggested that I do a sequel. I got to thinking about it, and it made a lot of sense. I understand that this WON'T work out the way most people may want it to - but not everything in life has a fairytale ending. PS: I know that on the show Lucy and Abby met. Just pretend for the record here that Abby didn't appear on the scene until after Lucy left County, OK??   
  
Disclaimer: I own nada. Only playing, promise. Besides, I'm a student and own nothing worth having, unless you count a 17 yr old Micra and a toaster.  
  
San Francisco was dark when we landed, laid out below us just a blanket of lights. The airport terminal was busy as we stepped out into it, bags in hand. I saw her instantly, her bright blonde hair easily visible through the crowds.   
  
Tightening my grip on Abby's hand so I wouldn't lose her, I weaved my way through the crowd to stand in front of her. I hadn't seen Lucy in 5 years, but she hadn't changed a bit. She looked relaxed and happier. I suppose moving away really was good for her.   
  
"Hello, stranger,"  
  
She looked slightly startled by my sudden appearance.  
  
"Oh, I was looking for you..."  
  
She gestured towards the gate haphazardly.  
  
"Anyway, that doesn't matter because you're here,"  
  
Abby fidgeted nervously behind me, shuffling her feet against the cold tiled floor. I stepped back to allow introductions. I opened my mouth to speak, but Lucy was quicker.  
  
"You must be the famous Abby Lockhart? Well, it's been a long time coming, but it's a pleasure to finally meet you,"  
  
Abby looked slightly taken aback by the blonde's overenthusiastic greeting, but shook the outstretched hand nonetheless.  
  
"I've heard a lot about you. You're pretty much all he talks about!"  
  
"All good I hope,"  
  
Abby answered, in a suitably flat tone.   
  
"Russell's waiting with the car,"  
  
Lucy turned on her heel and walked towards the automatic glass doors. It could have gone worse, I supposed, though Abby's hand did still feel slightly tense under mine. She knows I never felt about Lucy the way I feel about her, but I understand her apprehension.   
  
Russell Boyd, Lucy's fiancé, was also a doctor. They'd met during Lucy's residency. He was a year older than she was, and had since graduated to private practice, where the real money to be made in psychiatry was. Lucy had stayed in the public health system, and was now Chief Resident.   
  
But the man waiting by the car wasn't what I expected. I had expected him to be an unfeasibly good-looking, tanned Californian. He was decidedly average compared to my mental picture of him. He was my height, slightly broader with brown hair, and wouldn't stand out in a crowd. But the way his face lit up when he saw Lucy, that wasn't average, and I could see then that they obviously fitted together.   
  
It was a beautiful day. The sun broke the heavens overhead, and meant the sky was a stunning blue. Everything was bright and vital, the world looked alive.  
  
The ceremony was to take place in the garden of the grooms parents house, atop one of San Francisco's famous hills. The views were panoramic. I stood on the porch and watched over the preparations, underway even now. It was surreal. To believe that from the terrible ashes of Valentines day 2000 had risen this happy occasion, and to this beautiful bride, who stood beside me now, still in her dressing gown.   
  
"It's insane, isn't it?"  
  
She said, blowing on her coffee to cool it, eyes firmly focussed on the hive of activity in the garden.  
  
"Just a little,"  
  
"Thank you for doing this,"  
  
She said suddenly. I smiled, a wistful smile. I couldn't quite believe I was, to be honest. I wouldn't have missed this day for the world, and she knows that. I'm proud of her, and the success she's made of her life and her career, and maybe just a little envious. I'm still not quite as free of the past as she seems to be, not quite as settled, though with Abby around now things may be about the change.  
  
"Lucy. Lucy, come on. No time to be hanging around,"  
  
She was whisked off by her excited mother, who had been whirling around the house, a bundle of nervous energy for the past 24 hours. Abby stepped out the French doors a moment later and slipped an arm round my waist. She was laughing lightly.  
  
"We're eloping, OK? I'm NOT going through this…"  
  
I nodded. She hadn't been too keen on coming out here with me, but I couldn't have come alone. Besides, she had been invited. She had had her doubts about coming to the wedding of a med student I hadn't seen in 5 years. But still, here she was, with me.   
  
"How does a beach in Hawaii sound to you?"  
  
She kissed me softly, face lit up by her smile.  
  
"Perfect. Now, coffee calls,"  
  
There was a light summer breeze by the time the ceremony came around. It rustled through the flowers and spread a light, rose scent over the garden. I shifted from foot to foot nervously, waiting at the foot of the stairs for Lucy.  
  
I wasn't normally someone who fidgeted, but I had been ever since I'd buttoned the tux half an hour ago.   
  
"What's taking you girls so long?"  
  
The question had only just left my lips when she appeared at the head of the stairs. Girl was no longer an accurate description. She had been when she left Chicago, but she had very definitely grown into herself now. And far for the tragedy that had befallen her, it was the strength her past had given her that made her glorious. I was left quite literally speechless. She made her careful way down the stairs, trying not to trip on the long snow-white dress.  
  
"You look beautiful,"  
  
I cursed myself for how cheesy it sounded, but she just smiled graciously and took my arm.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
She nodded, and we began the slow parade to the altar.   
  
I had no reason to doubt Russell. I knew that this was the first step on a very happy road for her. As we reached the altar, she turned and kissed me before I took my seat next to Abby. Somehow, these series of moments, made everything we'd been through worth it. Seeing her as happy as this marked her survival with an emphatic flourish.   
  
Abby was my life now, and Russell was hers. And maybe one day long ago I wished I could be the one who would make her happy the way he had but I know now that I couldn't have. I could never have made her glow that way, and I knew I was lucky to be her friend. She'd always mean the world to me; the past dictated that for us.   
  
Abby slipped her hand over mine and squeezed supportively. I looked at her, brown hair shining and highlighted gold, and her eyes smiling. Lucy turned to face her own intended, and I knew then things had worked out. I had let her go, and she'd flown. 


End file.
